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| okay.. This is really hard to do because I've hidden my life from those I've grown up with so much and just recently I've opened myself to God and sisters in church but I'm really, really nervous to bare it all for these people because... it's just hard. I'm afraid of judgement but I know God wants me to do this. I know He'll give me strength and I promised that I'll always say yes to Him and Him alone.
So. Here goes.
HI. My name is Sunny, like the weather :) My birth name is SunYoung Kim but I changed it last year legally to Sunny because it's easier for everyone. Well, if you were just walking by and happened to glance at my life you would see a very typical girl. Two brothers, a mom, a dad, school, some boys, some friends, church, period. end of story.
The thing is, inside of me, my heart and my mind is unique to everyone's and same goes for my life. ALL my life from birth to maybe 8th grade I was devastatingly shy and afraid of people. I thought I wasn't worth the same amount of time or attention as my other classmates. I wanted to be invisible and I would've been so happy just to skate by in life without being noticed. I thought, "as long as no one sees me then no one can hate me." I don't know where that sense of unworthiness began but I think it was a combination of being a middle child and random teachers that yelled at me throughout elementary school. (totally not sure yet)
Anyways, I remember it all started in 8th grade when finally a boy I had a crush on liked me back! It was the first time I felt validated? Wanted? Pretty? etc. etc. Until then I always thought I was so ugly, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I hated who I saw. So when he told me he liked me, I was on cloud nine! Someone thought I was pretty and that's when I looked at myself and thought, "hmm. maybe I'm not so bad looking"
Fast-forward to about 10th grade and I was introduced to a church. I'm sure a lot of people know which church and who this specific person I will mention is but I won't to protect his identity. Anyways, I fell in love with this church and the youth group. I was seriously SO happy whenever we would meet up to play games, or surf, or just talk and hang out! It really is one of the most beautiful memories I have. Our youth leader that lead us was this supremely intelligent, charming, wise, funny, beautiful man that I as a 15 year old girl saw as perfect. Unfortunately, like any naive, young girl I totally fell in love with him. I wanted my husband to look like him, to act like him, to talk like him, i wanted HIM to BE my husband. I was just in love.
He at the time was 24 years old and fresh out of college. I remember many girls I knew of that liked him so I thought it was normal to crush on him. I also heard that he was pretty flirtatious with these girls so I thought that was normal too! I mean, he's older, he's my teacher AND my youth leader so how could he do wrong, right?
He would hang out with us. He would give us rides. He was very very close with our youth group. So it wasn't weird when he would take me out to eat just him and I, or to the movies, or to the beach... because I figured he did that with all the girls. And then... I remember it became very regular for us to hang out just one on one and eventually over time I was in a full blown relationship with this man. When that relationship started I felt like an alien. I didn't feel like I was 15 or 16 anymore. I didn't feel like my mother's daughter. I didn't feel like so-and-so's friend. On the outside I was ,yes, but inside... I became someone else.
The relationship felt wrong. I think I fell in love with my teacher but the man I was in the relationship with was someone else. I didn't know what was going on and i felt like I was losing control of my life. I think it was that moment I released my own life to someone else and I just hoped everything would turn out okay.
It's kind of like you're driving... you see some crazy twists and turns up ahead that you're too afraid to drive through so you just close your eyes, let go of the steering wheel and just HOPE you come out of it alive.
He used me. He shouldn't have done what was done and it took me this long to admit that to myself. That I was wronged. For 6 years I thought I was forgiving him when I was making up excuses for him. I thought, "He was weak. It was my fault too. I shouldn't have done etc. etc. etc." but no. that's not true. I was wronged. I admit that. and I forgive him so I can be free.
After I ended it with him I tried telling a couple people about it but they brushed me off. One person called me a slut. People didn't really think it was a big deal so I learned to bottle it up and just keep everything to myself so I don't pester anyone else with my sob story.
and then the lies began to just pour in. I thought I was worth nothing more than my body. I thought the ONLY reason why a guy would ever want me is my physical beauty because inside I'm really dirty and ugly. I felt horrible. I felt like I was living in the dark. I felt so alone all the time. I was so miserable. I believed all the lies. I wasn't worth anything. NObody cares about what I have to say. I just need to stay out of people's way. I shouldn't bother people.
Lie after lie after lie just came inside my head and heart and I so easily gave into them and the only way I would find relief from this shame, guilt, and self-hate was if I had a guy that would love me. So, I pushed away my family, my friends, school, God, everything. I just wanted someone, a guy, to love me and want me and that was going to save me.
There were a lot of people that I sought refuge in and every single person let me down. I kept searching and I was so alone. So, so, alone. so depressed. so just ... it was horrible. The person I drastically morphed into was not my mother's daughter. It was not my brother's sister. It was a monster. A monster that needed nothing except a man.
I hated everything. I hated everybody. I wanted people to feel just as miserable as me. I openly showed hate and anger and jealously and despise to everyone I could. I hid my insecurity and shame behind anger and this cold mask. I wore make up to hide my face because I thought I was so ugly without it. I lived like this for so so so long.
On top of that, I never really had a relationship with my dad. So when I gave up on myself my parents really tried to push me in school, and to find good friends but I was so stubborn that I rebelled so hard against them that they gave up too. I grew to resent them a lot because I felt abandoned by them even though it was my fault. I didn't understand how my friends could talk to their dad because I hated being in the same room as him. I didn't respect him. I thought my life would have been better off without him. I felt like I didn't even have a dad, just some man that lives with us.
So I completely quit school. I went from being an honors kid to someone that graduated by the skin of my teeth. I didn't try to even go to college. took some classes but always dropped them because I got lazy. I felt like no one even cares so why am I trying? I gave up hope on myself because I felt like my family did.
Then, last summer (2008) I decided to go on a missions trip to Cambodia. I was completely, and radically changed by the experience. I felt God' love for the first time. I felt like I belonged for the first time. I was so joyful and I felt free. I fell in love with God because He saved me. I thought this was it! I'm healed. I'm free! I'm never going to party or drink or because I have God.
hahaha.
Seriously like.. 2 months after I got back.. I crashed. So hard. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want anyone to see me. I wanted to be alone with my television and just eat. That's all I wanted. I was completely depressed because I didn't feel God's love anymore and I didn't understand why or what was happening to me. I thought, "God saved me so why do I still feel the pain from my past?" I grew bitter. resentful. angry. abandoned by God, just like everyone else. I still went to church because I knew it was the right thing to do. I lived that way for a good year.. I just did what I knew I was "suppose" to do and stayed away from what I wasn't... even if I wanted to do bad things.
A year after Cambodia, this past summer '09, I moved back home to San Diego ( I lived in LA for two years) where I had no community, no home church, nothing. So I felt kind of free.... from the obligations of "religion" and "church" SOOOOOOOO I went nuts! I dated, I drank, I did everything that I knew I wasn't suppose to do because I just didn't care. I wanted to ignore God because I thought He left me. I completely indulged my flesh for 6 months and it was horrible! I was wicked!!! I was angry, I was mean, I was sooo evil. There isn't any other word to describe it. really. I disobeyed my parents. I went out every night. Came home in the mornings. If I could I would just sleep until I have to work. I was just really bad.
THEN. This winter, a couple people from the church I attented in LA were going to IHOP in Kansas City. (International House of Prayer) By the mercy of God, He put the desire in my heart to go and I said to Him, "only by some miracle if I can get my schedule cleared from work, I will go" And so when the time came to ask for the week off, it was so easy. The manager was SO willing to cover my shifts and I was blown away because a part of me did want to go... and a part of me wanted to stay and go to Vegas for New Years Eve and I thought there is NOWAY I can get a whole week off. But He made it possible.
So I went. and that experience is a whole different blog in itself but I realized along the way after Cambodia, my truth about God and Jesus was wrong. I thought I had God all figured out but I learned that I don't know Him at ALL and I NEVER will. Every night during the revival services God gave me visions, and gifts, and the Holy Spirit came to me and it was so real. God is so real. Jesus is So real. HE IS ALIVE. Until now I've lived my life for so long saying NO to God and Yes to things not of Him... but I promised and asked God to help me to always say YES to HIM and HIM ALONE.
He opened my eyes to my past. Things I had buried so so so deep and hidden from myself, he showed me and helped me forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for things that I did and he helped me release self-hate, guilt, shame, unworthiness, depression and so much more. He helped me forgive my dad. past boyfriends. teachers. my youth leader and it was so hard and right now it's not completely healed but I know it's a process and He's working with me even now to completely release me.
I learned who I am. For so long, I never knew who I was. What kind of person I was. Am I a nice person? am I funny? am I loud? am I quiet? Who am I?? I never knew... and God showed me ever so clearly:
I am a daughter of God. I am the bride of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit is my protector. My foundation is this. My roots will be planted in this truth. I released a lot and a lot of lies from my mind and heart and asked the spirit of truth and wisdom to come and fill those places. God is so faithful because He did and is continuing to do so. I cling to my bible so hard because without it I'm so weak. It's my foundation. It's where I get fed the truth. My spirit just doesn't feel right if I'm reading something else other than the bible.
So when I came home this past monday I cleaned out everything. I threw out my "bad" aka scandalous clothes (haha) I threw out my makeup, shoes, I cut off my hair because these are all tools that the evil spirits would use to lie to me. Saying, "oh without these things you're ugly. These are the things you need so people will love you and want you"
Now, I wear whats comfortable, really, I don't know why I've never done this before because it's so comfortable and what other function do clothes need to have except that?! hahahaha
Without my make up I love seeing my face. Seeing the face that God created and called beautiful and allowing everyone else to see me and enjoy His work.... is so freeing. It feels so good and now when someone says that I'm pretty or I look nice today, it goes straight to my heart because they're seeing ME. Not my makeup. not my clothes or shoes or hair.. they're looking straight at me and saying it.
I feel like a baby. Like I'm seeing the world for the first time and He's showing me truths. He's showing me what real respect is, what real love is, what real beauty is, what real strength is, what real courage and trust and obedience is... and so much more. I have to relearn everything because I realize I've been living in the ways of the world for so long that I don't know what God's truth is AT ALL! So He's showing me.... and there are times when it gets so hard and I waiver and I start to doubt or question... but I just pray to God for strength and comfort and He always answers.
God is faithful. God is never changing. God is our Father in Heaven and He loves us so much and the ONLY reason I am here today, alive in this world is because HE created me to LOVE ME. I belong to Him. I belong to Jesus. and that's all there is to it. | | |
| How do you waste time on the internet? I don't get it... what do you guys do that keeps you in front of this screen for hours and hours every day?
I can last 2 hours once a week? and the occasional 5 minute browsing here and there in between.. but, is there something I'm missing here? | | |
| 
1934.
Ellie: Your ego is absolutely colossal.
Peter: Yeah, yeah, not bad, how's yours?
Ellie: You know, compared to you, my friend Shapeley's an amateur. Just whatever gave you any idea I'd stand for this?
Peter: Say now, wait a minute. Let's get this straightened out right now. If you're nursing any silly notion that I'm interested in you, forget it. You're just a headline to me.
Ellie: A headline? You're not a newspaper man are you?
Peter: Chalk up one for your side. | | |
| ugh, I can't stand people sometimes.
I hate it when I lose respect for someone because it's so hard for me to let that person back in. :( I know I need to work on forgiveness or not letting it bother me but, UGH it drives me crazy.
Here's a random observation:
Majority of my friends in LA are girls, ALL of my friends in SD are guys.
I was running errands with my mom today and we just ended up talking about how all the old friends are doing and I just realized I was never close to any of the girls, except Valeria, throughout/post HS. I don't know, just thought that was interesting.
So, I've come to the conclusion that I will not be going back to Young Nak every weekend for church. It won't be the end of the world to find a church here, in San Diego and serve there. After a year, I could easily move back to LA and hopefully pick up where I left off. Of course, it won't be that easy but... we'll see.
I'm kind of excited to move home and really just... mend broken relationships, face my past mistakes, and just deal with life. I realize when I moved to LA two years ago I left a huge, gigantic MESS that I thought would just disappear but haha, no.
It's kind of scary but challenging. It's going to suck because I'll have to face people that totally hate my guts but I don't know, how awesome would it be if we could work it out? If not, it's fine, at this point there's nothing left to lose.
As cheesy as it sounds I feel like it's the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life. How ironic.
Anyways, this week I discovered 3 new movies to add to my fav. movie list:
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Slumdog Millionaire
Little Miss Sunshine
I also watched a lot more but they're not worth mentioning. I watched TaeGukgi again and freaking bawled my eyes out. SIGH. felt nice.
Here's another random thing I'll just put in; Last night I couldn't fall asleep around 4am so I just popped open the dictionary and started reading it. It surprisingly kept my attention for a good 30 minutes. Of course, I looked up my name, how vain, yes. yes.
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| I find it creepy when I look at footprints and I just see "united states" user and they look through all my pictures. I wonder who it is and the paranoid side of me thinks they don't log into their account to purposely hide their identity. Yeah, I said paranoid.
Today was a fun. I watched the classic Disney Princess movies and a lot of things made sense compared to the last time I watched some of them when I was 8. hahaha.
I got the sweetest, most random message on facebook from an old friend back in highschool. They said they missed me and wanted to catch up. If only you knew what kind of person he was, it would be just as heart warming for you.
It's 3am and I absolutely hate, hate, hate this time of the night. I usually try to fall asleep before 2am but if I'm unlucky and I happen to be up past 2 I can't fall asleep until 5am. It's a bad cycle but I'm just too scared to sleep regardless of how tired I am.
wow, this was random. | | |
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